I f you’re reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to send you, so good for me. I’m writing you a letter. That’s right a good old fashioned letter. It’s a lost art like 50’s movies. You smell nice, most of the time, like home, but you don’t seem to have much interest in me. Which I of course find vaguely insulting. It is just you against the world. Funny how things never change.
It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, I wasn’t on the make. It was a perfect storm. You said the one thing and I the other. Next thing I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life in that conversation. That’s the good news. You’re completely nuts in a way that makes me smile. Highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required.
I cruised along, doing my thing, acting like a fool, not understanding how being in love changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed. I just know that it did. One moment I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating the shit out of my chest, exposed to the elements.
Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it’s been almost too much to bear. As your lover, I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward, my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride, how could you?
I’m a child in a man’s body who cares for noting and everything at the same time. Noble in thought, weak in action. Something has to change. Something has to give.
The bad news is that I don’t know how to be with you right now. We’ll get lost out there, it’s a big bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment. A moment that could have changed everything. This scares the shit out of me. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. That’s got to count something, right? Call me.
Shit comes at you and you need to deal with it, that’s what defines you how you deal with it. You know I can’t talk my way out of this. I just wanted to say how sorry I’m, this whole thing has got all nuts. May be this is a waste of time. I‘m halfly decent type person, feeling pity rusty right now. Because of this life I always figure out time to think about you. Just don’t give upon me, I’m still ME…we are still US.
This was the thing since I have met you, if we never see each other again and one day I feel a certain presence. The day I saw you, i felt the cloud begin to lift a litil bit. May be I was quite wrong about destiny thinking that it's the bridge we build o the one we love the most. Anyways I hope that I've healed during the years apart, and I'm sitting with you while you read this. But if I'm not, it's not because I don't love you, It's because I do, and I do miss you a lot. This doesn't mean that I'm not better and the story ain't just over yet. May be the reason is we just live in the physical world we can just touch, or we do live in the world that we create with our heart. As for the question of my destiny all I know is that even when destiny wants to accomplish something, it can't do it alone. I still have to go to the place and show up and wait the hours you have waited for me, so that I can build a bridge to you. With a hope, a never ending hope. May be that's why human beings exists to save from ourselves. It would be almost like it wasn't over and the pain would stop.
I do not deny myself, I just sit down and write about it, until I expose to myself. I might be more trouble than I look, Just keeping it real. And it’s the only way I know how. I’m fine, I’m disgusted with my life and myself, but I’m not unhappy about that. It’s like living beyond my means. Of course I do have those days where I feel like tired and about to fall out, and I’m in deeply in touch with those emotions. And definitely there are some images which I don’t want floating around my head, but they seem like a bullet in my head, except with less ice.
Life is complicated, and that’s all I’ve got. The person that I want to have everything to do with, wants nothing to do with me. The woman that I love is out there and I know I can't have her. It’s quite hard even get up in the morning. But the booze is always helpful and so is the art. Everything that I write is either for her or about her. So I'm with her, even when I'm not.
Many times I feel like the good Lord picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on the bed of rusty nails, pinned me ankles behind my ears and just punched on my chest. I fool myself into thinking that, I can fix things, I can make her come back. It hurts when I see my close friends being in the same dark and all I can do for them is nothing. I know I’m a big fan of the bye bye pain juice. These things make me easy, not sleazy. I feel I’m in the worst invention ever. That’s just me.
There is always something about every damn moment, but fact is there's no always, there's just right now, and it's too long to wait. Now nothing left for the imagination, earth has spun off its axis. I'm haunted and things are falling apart, they are breaking, still waiting to be taken by another road. Resisting the allure ain't working anymore, may be that's called life.
Why am I narrating! May be guilty pleasure or just guilty? what ever that is unfortunate, but it gives new meaning to the life. It was never like it is with me. Sometimes i feel like I have got no love things left, because some people who loves me I just try to push them away. I may try to save the love part so that I can share it with you, just you. Love yeah that’s the stuff dreams are made of. That’s going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack and it makes me feel like the whole life is being invaded. And now if I’m anything, I’m discrete. That whole love story thing is much cooler in movies than in real life. Finally I can say perception is reality, the truth won’t matter.